Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Trash Talking



On the Jukebox: "Lover Lover Lover" by Ian Mcculloch
Mood: So-So
Quote: "You think with a financial statement like this you can have the duck?" ~ LA Story
Flair: Bat van Gogh


Many decades ago in my fourth grade Social Studies class I remember learning about a group of cultural anthropologist who felt that by studying a person's garbage they could learn everything relevant about them. Little did they know that they were pioneers in the new-fangled science of stalkerology. Fast forward to this day and age and people have started to divide their garbage into different containers. If they're normal OR live in a state where recycling is mandatory, it's probably more organized than other areas of their lives.

First, there are the things that must be recycled. These can be further divided into glass, cardboard, paper, and plastics. Next would be the safe guarded personal information which must be shredded and burned before being disposed of. This is the type of stuff like bank statements, credit card offers, and overdue notices from the library. The next group is the compost pile - wilted celery stalks, potatoes with more eyes than a peep show, and dead houseplants that went unwatered too long. The last group is the smelly garbage can group - moldy cheese, kitty litter, mayonnaise jars filled with rancid bacon grease, and used tissues.

What would my waste receptacle tell the world about me? First that I don't actively recycle - unless you count using the empty glass jars to store grease. To make up for ruining our environment I clip the 'Box Tops for Education.' I take my personal information to be professionally shredded. Perhaps my stalker will conclude that I had good intentions to eat vegetables but have a penchant for dark chocolate, ice cream, and string cheese. They could also conclude that I floss, use expensive 2 ply toilet paper, and refuse to buy Proctor and Gamble products in protest for their political views.

Whatever the researchers/stalkers find is bound to be misinterpreted. For example, there are a lot of match sticks which may lead them to conclude I'm a fire bug or have a smelly bathroom. When in fact I just don't like candle warmers because lit candles are easier to warm my hands on when they get too cold to type. The truth is other than my dietary habits, you won't learn much from what gets collected on a weekly basis. Maybe the semi-annual charity drive would tell you more, but don't count on it. I tend to use items until they are worn out. I also get a lot of hand me downs that don't fit so I pass them on.

If you searched my address book, calendar, and my computer files such as Internet browser history and desktop recycling bin then maybe you'd know something. Or the books on my shelves and DVDs in my entertainment center. You might understand me better if you saw my decorating tastes and art collection. Or maybe browsed the thousands of songs in my jukebox. Or read my mail, specifically the letters written to me. My clothes would only tell you that my mom still buys the majority of them and that I like to shop at Ross because I am a tightwad. My point is, I don't throw away the things that make me who I am. If you want to know who I am - it's probably better just to ask or read this inane Blog.

PS: If you are a stalker or plan to write an unauthorized biography on me, I'd appreciate if you would leave my friend's trash cans alone.

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