Beware of Jolly Green Tyrants

On the Jukebox: "Need I Say More?" by Sissel
Mood: Snacky-doodle-do
Quote: "Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?"..."Some more of what?" ~ the Sandlot
Flair: Made with real Girl Scouts

For over 80 years now the Girl Scouts of America have peddled their deliciously evil wares. "Evil, you say?" Oh yes! Believe me: the Girl Scouts are right up there with Dr. Evil in terms of schemes to take over the world and to destroy everything good and thin, except they do it while skipping door to door and singing about rainbows and ponies. This is blatant racketeering disguised as sugar confections hand delivered by uniformed guards.

Long ago when things were different, I was once a Girl Scout and part time cookie pusher. This was back when it was still safe to go door to door with your mom standing on the edge of the driveway while you worked the top secret tactics that were taught to you in troop meetings. These involved things like: 1) stand knock kneed with one foot behind the other and occasionally shuffle your feet like a bashful child. 2)look up through your lashes and bat your eyes (this effect should be akin to Puss in Boots on Shrek) 3) if the previous ploys don't work, put out your bottom lip and have it quiver and say 'pwease' with a lisp. 4) if all else fails cry!!!

I sold exactly enough boxes to be awarded the patch and pin. I hated every moment of it and wanted to quit the troop. The incentive to pound the pavement with my wagon of diabetic death was Camp Happy Clover, where I was promised I would learn to canoe and get to ride live ponies. They say the selling experience builds character and teaches life lessons. It really does! I learned at an early age that everyone has a price and that if you should decide to sell yourself, make sure you get a cashier's check. I never got to go to Camp Happy Clover - it was shut down by the board of health. We ended up making really lame clothes pin dolls instead. So not worth it! I want my dignity back!

Fast forward to the present and the Girl Scouts do things differently. First, they start off by sending a sign up sheet to work with their parents and it becomes the parents' competition to sell the most boxes. Next, they set up cookie stands conveniently located on busy traffic corners and outside of women's gyms. They prance around with boxes of cookies or even wearing cookie costumes. Have you ever tried to say no to pirouetting Daisy-Go-Rounds, Cinna-Spins, and Do-Si-Dos? (given the cookie names they pretty much have to prance...) They still use the top secret tactics discussed above.

Every year they increase the cost of the box by a quarter and decrease the amount of cookies by two. Soon I'll be paying $6.50 for one Thin Mint. It is so cruel because once you've had a GS cookie, you are immediately addicted for life. That's why they mention how well they freeze so you'll stock up during this limited time sale. (Heck, they put them in ice cream now to prove their point!) Trust me people, they are going to take over the world.

"Oh Soquel, those cookies are delicious. We can't understand why you think this is an evil conspiracy!" Listen people, I am right on this one. I know I am. Think about it: More Americans start new diets and exercise plans on New Year's Day. It has to do with goals and resolutions. This leads to the epic clash of goals - theirs against ours. It is not coincidence that about the time our resolve is weakening they show up with their highly addictive wares. For those of us still strong enough to resist the sign up sheet, there'll be cookies waiting on the corners in a few more weeks when we falter. They'll get you, each and every one.

If my supplier is reading this... I'd like 1 box of Tagalongs, 1 box of Trefoils Shortbread, 2 boxes of Thin Mints, 3 boxes of Samoas, and a case of Neener-Neeners.