On the Jukebox: "Clocks" by Coldplay
Quote: "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." ~ John Lennon
Flair: In a blur
Most of us have had that awful experience of being caught in a traffic jam with no escape moving slowly past the wreckage of a life-altering accident. As the long line of tail lights creep towards the flashing lights of the emergency vehicles on the horizon we wonder what happened and if anyone was hurt. As we approach, there is a clenching in our stomachs and a simultaneous urge to turn away but our curiosity also compels us to look. Witnessing such a scene once can give us pause, makes us more cautious drivers, and more appreciative of our lives. Prolonged exposure can lead to nightmares and depression.
If you blinked you may have missed the last few years of my life or at least the related blog posts. But don't worry; it was probably for your own good. No one needed to view the life-altering wreck I was experiencing. Several huge life events were unfolding all at once which caused a traumatic ripple effect: I moved to Las Vegas, had the final attempt at adoption fail, became isolated from the comforts of home and friends, and fell into a stress-induced spiraling depression as I struggled to cope with my new reality. Then things got even stranger; I got pregnant again.
After my last pregnancy and miscarriage (which few people knew about) I felt the need to become even more guarded. I quit posting my blog publicly so that I could explore my differing emotions without the input of others. I was faced with so many trials as we struggled to sell the our Utah home, searched for a new one, and kept this high risk pregnancy secret from everyone. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was to live through those months of waiting and wondering. I was worried about my out of shape body and for the health of my unborn child - especially since tests were positive for down syndrome and doctors had brought up abortion three times. It was definitely a time for private soul searching and strengthening of personal faith. Of course, we all know it ends well with a healthy and beautiful little girl, a new home, and me getting used to my new role as a mother.
Finally becoming a mother after twenty years is a hard adjustment. It too required the privacy of thought while I adjusted to perhaps the biggest change in my life. There were many dark days in the past two years but they were merely passing clouds that briefly hid the sun. I also experience many days filled with miracles, tender mercies, and enlightening learning experiences. I feel remorseful about hiding all my ruminations but without proper context they lose meaning. In the coming year I will be more open but also more selective with whom I am sharing the journey.
