On the Jukebox: "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" by Culture Club
Quote: "You're fired!" ~ Donald Trump
Flair: Biting my tongue
Dear Ms. Bon Donner,
We regret to inform you that due to the economic recession your column will be furloughed. It appears in these hard times no one can pay attention. We’ve decided to use some of the government stimulus money we’re saving by giving you unpaid leave to bring in some hotshot experts to help us with our market research. These experts propose that you take this additional time off to fine-tune i.e.: overhaul your product to appeal more to a larger target audience. It has also been suggested that you need to use hot topic/popular search words such as Twilight, Zach Ephron, and Snuggie so you’ll pop up in Google searches. Furthermore, you need to learn to text, Twitter, and roller skate backwards so you can join a derby team.
In the future please refrain from making overtly political statements or expressing a religious opinion. These conversations are only appropriate on semi-scripted reality TV shows such as Ghost Whisperer, The Bachelor, and Big Brother. Lest you feel your column is the only victim of budget cutbacks we wanted to let you know that we’ve also canceled our subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.
If you have any questions regarding this communication feel free to keep them to yourself rather than waste our resources and time. We have better things to do like play solitaire, Facebook, and surf LOLcats.
Sincerely yours,
Hootie McBoob
The Humane Service Department
Wait..? You mean I could have been paid for all this?
"The Onion" here I come!!!
