RANT #439

On the Jukebox: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua
Quote: "You'll like Amy. She's an artist!" ~ Barbie in Toy Story 2
Flair: Deep Thought

SOQUEL’S RANTS: #439 THE TERRORIST CONSPIRACY


This YouTube playlist goes along with the items I discuss in case you want to see any of the commericals or spoofs...

Listen friends, waxing nostalgic is never a good idea. It only leads to disillusionment and heartbreak. Try very hard to resist going back and revisiting things you fondly cherish. Sometimes seeing them through mature eyes will make you cynical. Here's what happened to me the other night.

I was thinking about how great some of the commercials from my childhood were - especially one from 1986 for Nestlé’s Alpine Chocolate that features Maxfield Parrish inspired MTV videography of white clad ballet dancers, a cellist on a mountain top, white horses running in the snow, and other beautiful imagery, and a ballad style jingle sung by Sophie B. Hawkins. I decided to check out You Tube to see if by chance it was out there. Indeed it was, and much to my great enjoyment all 4 versions of the commercial are there and as pretty as I remembered them (through my romantic 15 yr old eyes.) I hate white chocolate but I felt oh so glamorous when I would buy one of these bars. The marketing works, especially on the naïve. Now we know why the Parrish's painting is called Ecstacy – duh, there was chocolate involved!

I should have stopped while I was ahead. But I foolishly wandered further down memory lane and watched Matt LeBlanc (of Friend's fame) in my favorite Cherry 7-up ad "Isn't it cool in pink?" oh, yes! yes, it is handsome anonymous boy of my 16 yr old fantasies. Newsflash Matt: I was over you before my 17th b-day but I was still in love with my Guess overalls which were also featured in this commercial. I totally rocked that look.

Then the McDonald's McDLT commercials with Jason Alexander (Seinfeld.) How did we ever want to eat that stuff? Gross! Gag me with a pitchfork. I’m not even going to link to this ad because I know some of you still eat at Mickey Dee’s steakhouse. I should have stopped there but it was like a bad train wreck, I couldn't resist the temptation to look. Then on to the cartoon clips (Smurfs, the Littles, Rainbow Brite, GI Joe, He-man, etc) and toy commercials of my childhood. Here's where I realized adults suck! They ruin childhood for children with their capitalist swine ways.

I was happily enjoying the recap of all the Barbie products I owned from Peaches and Cream Barbie to the Dream House that took me three years of allowance to save for. I remember the girl power anthem jingle of the 80's "We girls can do anything, right Barbie?" This was the era where Barbie quit being a teen fashion model and grew up. She went to college, she became an astronaut, a school teacher, a Wall Street power broker/yuppie, a summit diplomat, a doctor (not just a 1960's candy striper), and owned her vet practice, fashion boutique, and jet. She even dabbled in the music scene for a bit with her band called Barbie and the Rockers (creative, no?) Yes, they were to put the ca-bash on the latest of Barbie contenders, Gem and the Holograms. Ah the happy times of the big 80's. Barbie was still queen of the fashion dolls, leaving people to ask Darci, Candi, and Gem who?

Apparently the Think Tank at Mattel decided to sit around resting on their laurels (which showed they were wearing them on the wrong end) and do nothing in the 90's. Yes, Barbie did run for President and had the most beautiful 'old glory' inspired inaugural ball gown but then she decided to sell out. The think tank decided to give Ken his first makeover in 15 years by piercing his ear. We should have known it was over. Oh, Ken! How could you leave your first job as a soda jerk to become a biker? We should have seen it coming since you could never commit to marriage.

This is the decade where Barbie decided clothes that had her own Barbie brand label were no longer cool and sold out to Benetton, Gap, JoeBoxer, SpongeBob, and yes, even Jell-o? I ask you, would J-Lo ever give up wearing her own clothes line in favor of Jell-o? I don't think so! What were you thinking Mattel Think Tank? Or better question, what were you smoking? Spokeswoman Barbie says, "I love America, now buy more crap! I recommend Coca Cola, Jell-o, Build a Bear workshop, NASCAR, Shrek, and Sponge bob! Selling out is the American way."

It used to be a dream of mine to grow up and design clothes for Barbie. I even made a removable mermaid tale for my doll back in 1980. I was way ahead of the trends curve. I planned to give her a collection of princess gowns, masquerade costumes, and redo her love boat disco dresses. She also was going to lose the blue eye shadow and bleach blonde hairdo in favor of real people coloring. When she started out in 1959 she was not a dumb blonde. No, that came in the '70's when she decided to briefly flirt with dirty hippies. Check out the meticulous detailing in the original Barbie fashions. They were beautiful. Remember, Barbie was the first fashion doll, inspired by a little girl’s love of paper dolls. Check out the lyrics to the first jingle below. Now that is classy stuff.

Barbie you're beautiful, you make me feel my Barbie doll is really me.
Barbie's small and so petite her clothes and figure look so neat
For dancing, at the rink, and bell, at parties she will cast a spell
Purses, hats, and gloves galore, and all the gadgets gals adore
Someday I'm gonna to be exactly like you til then I know just I'll do.
Barbie, beautiful Barbie, I'll make believe that I am you.
"You can tell it's Mattel it's swell"

Well, I used to think Ken getting his lobe pierced with a Goth cross, or Barbie hocking Jell-o was bad. But Barbie 2000 hit all new lows. The Mattel Think Tank decided to aim it's marketing at ages 3-6 because market research showed tween girls weren't interested in dolls anymore. So Barbie became grounded in unreality. Suddenly you couldn't buy a Barbie unless she was a mermaid, fairy, princess, or babysitter for her more popular younger sibling Kellie. Every year Kellie was getting more of Barbie's shelf space and commercial air time. What's a gal to do?

At first I couldn't understand how this was happening. It took a fair amount of research to uncover how deep this conspiracy to ruin childhood actually goes. In 2001 the MGA CEO, an Iranian immigrant and possible terrorist, Isaac Larian designed and unleashed his new line of alien prostitutes with removable feet. Along with their halter tops, faux fur armlets, micro minis, and ankle-laced stiletto sandals, and they wear the sly, dozy expression of a party girl after one too many mojitos. One look at these Bratz and parents should have asked, "When did the doll section turn into the porn shop?" As parents, we're forced to make tough choices. But trying to explain to our five-year-old daughters why they shouldn't be playing with pretend porn-star or pole-dancing dolls shouldn't be one of the battles we face. Or am I off my rocker, folks?

I love this quote from a father of a daughter who he is determined will have an innocent childhood, "I have dark fantasies about tracking down the toy executives who green lighted this trend and give them a full body waxing followed by repeated water boarding treatments in a tank full of rubbing alcohol. That would not really be overkill, since it turns out this hypersexualization of girls' toys is entirely intentional." Amen brother, you do it and I’ll put it on YouTube.

True! You could never imagine a Bratz doll assuming any of the dozens of careers Barbie has pursued over the decades: not Business Executive or Surgeon -- not even Pan Am Flight Attendant or Pet Doctor. Bratz girls seem more like kept girls, or girls trying to convert a stint on reality TV into a future as the new Brittney or Lindsay or Paris. The American Psychological Association confirmed what we already knew. In short, exposure to all those commercials, movies, songs, toys and advertisements featuring scantily clad females is harmful to a young girl's emotional and physical health. The report was based on an analysis of some 300 studies over the past 18 months and indicated that these sexualized images can result in young girls viewing themselves as sex objects.

Parents rejoiced when Mattel decided to fight back. After all, Hot Wheels, Barbie, and the Fisher Price division are the corner stone of the company. For her loyalty Barbie would be saved right? Not exactly, they gave her a yet another makeover. Actually, a make under of sorts - a breast reduction and waist enlargement, all to help young girls feel better about themselves. Good job Mattel Think Tank! No Goth Barbie girls here please! Check out the awesomely realistic faux ad for Goth Barbie and her accessories. Say yes to unpublished poetry and Joy Division albums!

How could that not work? The Mattel Think Tank must have been stumped. They then sat around and thought about how they could do something even worse to poor Barbie. Let's see, we've given half her shelf space to Kellie Club stuff, how about another quarter of it to some Bratz rip-offs? Either that or turn her into a lesbian by dumping Ken and bringing in a new love interest, like Rosie O'Donnell. Let's do both. Brilliant! Let's call the Bratz rip-offs the Flavas and give them belly rings and tattoos. I love it! We'll model them after popular amoral singers like Lil Kim and Christine Aguilera. The box will convert to a graffiti street corner for them to loiter on. It will sell like hotcakes. Trust us!

But parents were disappointed that Mattel, a company they thought had higher standards, was involved in the creation of these street hoodlum dolls. In the past Mattel portray Barbie to girls as friends, mothers, and career women. Now the new "Flavas" depict being low-life individuals as something you can aspire to, which will cause young women to limit themselves and their future. Good job indeed you soulless corporate Mattel Think Tank. How's this for a slogan? "Mattel guides your kids towards Hell" Personally the funniest part of this failed campaign was that on the commercial for the Flavas dolls they actually say, "My shizzle’s gone fazizzle!" No, Really? Who would have seen that coming?

Well, Mattel must have realized two things through new market research. 1) tweens do still play with dolls if they are slutty enough and 2) cannibalizing Barbie's shelve space in stores was a very bad move. Sales plummeted all over the globe. What could they possibly do to compete? I know give Barbie another makeover. We'll make her a teen ager again and give her cool and tech savvy friends. We'll call them Myscene and lure back the parents who won't buy Bratz dolls for their kids. Barbie and all of her friends will each be multicultural and each have their own boyfriend. Yes, this could work; show how real high schoolers are. Sort of a Lizzie McGuire/Hilary Duff Barbie - hey why not make those too?

This might have worked in saving Mattel but the girls quickly went wild. When the Bratz formed the band Rock Angelz the myscene gang had to form a band called Urban Desire. What the heck? Later with a bad case of teen age rebellion or angst Barbie decides to change her name to Kennedy - anything to piss off mom and dad. The last Myscene Barbie was Bling Bling Barbie who decided to run away from home and turn tricks with her gal pals. So being bling means to cover yourself in body glitter, have itsy-bitsy naval exposing outfits that barely cover your other parts, and trashy-looking high-heeled boots and fishnet stockings.

Thought: With so many celebrities taking the way-too-sexy road these days, do really need our dolls/daughters following the same path? Wait what's this? A picture of the girls partying in the limo while their Hollywood madam does business? Let's check out the Myscene special guest star doll. Why yes, it is her, America's favorite fire crotch, Ms. Lindsay Lohan. This makes me wonder when the Paris Hilton doll will be issued. Who needs another 911? This is how terrorist are really destroying America. First they create Bratz and then they infiltrate Mattel and ruin Barbie - the All American Icon.

Poor Barbie, how far you've fallen! Perhaps your best and last hope is the devoted collectors of all things vintage or weird. But they buy you online and not at Wal-Mart or ToysRus anymore. As for your Wal-Mart purchasers, you're stuck with the horrible Mattel Think Tank and their new anal retentive boss, Mr. Peabody. He is the guy who finally potty trained Kellie and decided you need a cat box with clumping litter. Tinkle Time Kellie, isn’t that just freakin’ tender and all that crap?

You have gone from world renowned fashion model with a 1959 - I want to be you when I grow up campaign to this lovely little number.
B-A-R-B-I-E grrl, B-A-R-B-I-E grrl
So cute! Uh-oh excuse us!
You potty trained Tanner
Good Barbie grrl!

Forget the Ferrari & the designer shoes; a pooper scooper is the ultimate accessory!
Please Barbie, for American girls everywhere, I implore you to quit making Tanner eat her own poop. I know you're upset and using this last commercial as some sort of political protest but really you make me want to buy the Bratz doll that walks her dog because she is not into animal cruelty. Knock it off Barbie, you're freaking me out!!! I told you hocking Jell-o was a bad idea! So there you have it folks... Whatever you do, don't wax nostalgic or you're likely to end up angry with terrorists, feminists, and corporate think tanks in general.

Signed,

“The girl who got a new Barbie every year until her 30th birthday; which was about the time when Barbie got her boobs done & a peeing cat that looked like a wooly sheep.”


This is the last Barbie I actually bought. I got the brunette version with the grey blue eyes because she parts her hair on the side with bangs & sort of looked like me on Planet Plastic.