A letter from Management

On the Jukebox: "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" by Culture Club
Quote: "You're fired!" ~ Donald Trump
Flair: Biting my tongue

Dear Ms. Bon Donner,

We regret to inform you that due to the economic recession your column will be furloughed. It appears in these hard times no one can pay attention. We’ve decided to use some of the government stimulus money we’re saving by giving you unpaid leave to bring in some hotshot experts to help us with our market research. These experts propose that you take this additional time off to fine-tune i.e.: overhaul your product to appeal more to a larger target audience. It has also been suggested that you need to use hot topic/popular search words such as Twilight, Zach Ephron, and Snuggie so you’ll pop up in Google searches. Furthermore, you need to learn to text, Twitter, and roller skate backwards so you can join a derby team.

In the future please refrain from making overtly political statements or expressing a religious opinion. These conversations are only appropriate on semi-scripted reality TV shows such as Ghost Whisperer, The Bachelor, and Big Brother. Lest you feel your column is the only victim of budget cutbacks we wanted to let you know that we’ve also canceled our subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.

If you have any questions regarding this communication feel free to keep them to yourself rather than waste our resources and time. We have better things to do like play solitaire, Facebook, and surf LOLcats.

Sincerely yours,

Hootie McBoob
The Humane Service Department


Wait..? You mean I could have been paid for all this?
"The Onion" here I come!!!

Note to Self

Dear Self,

Hey how's it going? Do you know that you are over a month behind in your blog? What's the deal? I know you were taking a few days off to get some huge projects out of the way but this is redunkulous. Get off your butt and do something... and quit giving me that lame excuse about getting ED:RP #4 done. Your fans can wait (HA HA!) Knowing you there's probably 10-15 posts already in your draft folder just waiting to have the 'publish' button pushed. So say something snarky. I miss you.

Love,
Me

The 9-12 Project

On the Jukebox: "God Bless the U.S.A." by Lee Greenwood
Quote: "A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government." ~ Edward Abbey
Flair: Example

The 9-12 Project is designed to bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001. The day after America was attacked we were not obsessed with Red States, Blue States, or political parties. We were united as Americans, standing together to protect the values and principles of the greatest nation ever created.

Check out the 9 Principles and 12 Values listed below and see if you agree that this is what is at the core of being truly American.

9 Principles

1. America Is Good.

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.
God “The propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that disregards the external rules of order and right which Heaven itself has ordained.” from George Washington’s first Inaugural address.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.
Honesty “I hope that I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider to be the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.” George Washington

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.
Marriage/Family “It is in the love of one’s family only that heartfelt happiness is known. By a law of our nature, we cannot be happy without the endearing connections of a family.” Thomas Jefferson

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.
Justice “I deem one of the essential principles of our government… equal and exact justice to all men of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political.” Thomas Jefferson

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.
Life, Liberty, & The Pursuit of Happiness “Everyone has a natural right to choose that vocation in life which he thinks most likely to give him comfortable subsistence.” Thomas Jefferson

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.
Charity “It is not everyone who asketh that deserveth charity; all however, are worth of the inquiry or the deserving may suffer.” George Washington

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.
On your right to disagree “In a free and republican government, you cannot restrain the voice of the multitude; every man will speak as he thinks, or more properly without thinking.” George Washington

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.
Who works for whom? “I consider the people who constitute a society or a nation as the source of all authority in that nation.” Thomas Jefferson

12 Values
Honesty
Reverence
Hope
Thrift
Humility
Charity
Sincerity
Moderation
Hard Work
Courage
Personal Responsibility
Gratitude

I am Wonder Woman

On the Jukebox: "Wonderwall" by Oasis
Quote: "I wonder wonder wonder who wrote the book of love" ~ the Monotones
Flair: Classy

I am Wonder Woman sans the red boots and starred panties. I wonder about stuff all the time. Naturally it's random stuff but it keeps me up at night. Why is it that I think about such *deep* things right before bed?

Is there another word for synonym? Would it be thesaurus? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why is the alphabet in that order? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? Is there anything scarier than an open mike poetry reading?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? If you lick a fly swatter will it kill you?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? If you see an old guy in a sexy grandpa t-shirt should you run?

Is it possible to be totally partial? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

And in case you were wondering what it is I wonder about as I wander: I wonder where I parked my darn invisible jet - whose bright idea was it to make it invisible?

Trapezoid Lids

On the Jukebox: "My All" by Mariah Carey
Quote: "There's someone for everyone, even if you need a pick axe, a compass, and night goggles to find them." ~ L.A. Story
Flair: Suave

I have a friend who is exceptional in every way. She's intelligent, beautiful, successful, and virtuous. She is also astonishingly single and at 28 years old, reaching the range of Jane Austen spinsterhood. In her own words she claims she is a trapezoid pot who can't find her lid (this based on the saying that there is a lid for every pot.)

What's good about being lidless? Well, lots of things actually. Let's start with the word lidless - it means watchful or vigilant (as in not closing your eye lids.) Shouldn't we always be on the look out for every good thing? So often we let opportunities pass us by because we have blinders on. Being lidless can also be mind opening.

So what's good about being 28 and single? I can't tell you since I was betrothed in the womb and have been married more than half my life now. But I have some theories. For starters, you have the means and opportunity to travel, the ability to set your own hours, start your own traditions, and not have to consult or compromise with someone before taking action. In additional you have the time to develop into your true self through education and experience. Most of us evolve under the influence of our life partner, just as they adapt themselves to our natures. Imagine being more fully formed and self-aware when you actually meet your future spouse.

How attractive is that? And what sort of person would you attract? Chances are they are also a trapezoid. Or perhaps you are so self-aware that you discover you are not really a trapezoid but a parallelogram or an oval. Or maybe you're not a pot but a pan, wok, or kettle. As for myself, I was never a pan. I've always thought of myself more as a crock pot. Insert witty comments here.

With My Two Hands

On the Jukebox: "Happy Workers" by Tori Amos
Quote: "Love is the closest thing we have to magic." ~ Aquamarine
Flair: Me OCD?

Today I volunteered at the mill in Kaysville. It was a really cool experience. I packed bags of pancake mix and instant mashed potatoes for four hours. It was repetitive work but I liked that I had a rhythm to keep up and that I could let my mind rest. The work went amazingly fast because of the amount of volunteers. In the past few months the mill has been running 24 hours a day because of the huge demand. All the food gets shipped to Welfare Square in SLC and then it gets sent to the Bishop's Storehouse and humanitarian centers all over the world.

I enjoyed being part of the big picture. It is very satisfying to help other people. It brings me a great sense of accomplishment to be involved in such an endeavor. Every General Conference between the sessions the Church airs the World Report Semiannual Church News Program. There is always a segment on our humanitarian efforts. It seems there has been an increased need in the last few years. More fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, and floods. Every year I get teary eyed when I see how quickly we are able to assist those in need. We are truly doing the Lord's work for those in both spiritual and temporal need.

All day I have contemplated what great works my small hands have been part of. In the past year I've helped to tie quilts, rock babies, act as a proxy in temple ceremonies, put together hygiene kits, prepare meals and clean homes for those in need. I've typed words meant to inspire, dialed friends who needed a listening ear, written checks for tithing and fast offerings, and folded them in prayer. I hope that my hands are clean and are acceptable instruments for the Lord's work.

A Toast to my Green-eyed Lap Dragon

On the Jukebox: "Carrickfergus" by Orla Fallon
Quote: "Fairyland was never like this!" ~ Finian's Rainbow
Flair: 'Tis the Season

It's St. Patrick's day, a silly holiday that is observed more in the United States than anywhere else. It's basically an excuse for college kids and bored adults to get plastered and act like asses. I often think of a SNL spoof where the words to "Wonderland" are changed to "Nobody here's from Ireland" to mark the fact that the original purpose of the holiday has lost its context.

Do I wear green on St. Patrick's day? Sometimes if that particular shirt is up in my closet rotation. I don't do it consciously. I'm pretty much pinch proof because I've taken RAD training and will give a stranger what-for if he touches my caboose. What do I celebrate on March 17th? My cat's birthday. My Tamsen cat has bright green eyes. I think she might have chose them just for the irony. (She has questionable taste.)

She's the worst dressed calico I've ever seen. Her socks are mismatched which along with the striped tail and opposite ear colors gives her the look of a Harlequin doll. I wanted to call her Harley but she wouldn't have it. So she's my freckled nose, bristle banded, mismatched sock wearing, green eyed lap dragon supreme. She has the loudest purr of any cat I've ever had. We have all sorts of nick names for her based on her quirks. My favorite is her indian name "Thinks-shes-people" This year she's 15. It sort of weirds me out to know if she was a kid she'd be bugging me for a laptop, cell phone, and more allowance. I guess I should be grateful that all she wants is her own helping of 'good stuff' and a few extra kitty cookies.